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tikle.me f14. music style screamo. city ask me. country china.
looking for friends member since 03.02.12 www.emoscene.com/tikle.me offline.

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11.04.2012 "Sigh"

Sigh, I hate it when people don't take me seriously. Although I guess they don't believe that sort of shit could or would happen to me. But it is... and I do it.
I tell people how I feel and what I want to do, but they either ignore it or think I'm joking.
Lets say I want to cut myself... I tell someone and they choose to ignore what I said completely. Another person just said, 'ok'. Problem is, I don't want to do it. I'm telling them because I want them to help me stop. Yet they just think I'm not being serious or want to avoid the topic completely.
I ask someone to kill me and they think I'm joking and laugh. They then make a joke out of it! Legit quote: 'Hey sorry, I gotta go. Sorry can't kill you right now, busy with tests and quizzes. Kill you later :]'
They don't even ask why... I'm trying to find someone to help me with this problem. I have so many others and I'm not strong enough to handle them on my own. I want someone who can talk me out of doing these things when I'm fucking crazy and think it's ok to do it.
Today I told someone that if I am still stuck in this hell hole next year, I will probably kill myself. He then starts talking about why I was talk to him and the first place, and then telling him that. I explained, and all he said was, 'Oh'.
Sigh... if it wasn't for this fucking school, I wouldn't be facing so many problems. Yeah I would still have family issues, but that would basically be it. Because of what this cursed school, I've learned to just go 'fuck it' to everything and not give a shit.
Even about my dad divorcing my mother and moving out of the house, my sister going to college, so that leaves me with a mother that I barely ever see because she works so much. I'm no longer close to her... yet she is trying to come close to me because of the situation we are in now.
I say 'screw this shit' to my grades and homework, and now it's almost to everything in life. I'm seeing a shrink, but I've had to get a new one and I haven't talked to him about that. Plus he is sort of a medical doctor that mainly prescribes drugs.
Yes, I do get my meds from him. So he knows the basics of what issues I have. The very basics though. I have to start all over again with that. He says he does do some things with talking about problems... but I haven't gone to see him yet. I might this week, I don't know.
Argh, my school counselor is also always busy. Basically always has her door closed which means she can't talk right then. Some people don't know what to do with me and the issues I have. They go, 'Oh... do you want a hug?' Yeah.. because that solves ALL of my problems, right?
I don't know if anybody can help and fix what damages were done over these worst 6 years. Even the medication I'm on doesn't seem to do that much. It makes me feel normal on when I'm going through a typical day. Yet that doesn't mean I could have harsh moments on those typical days. I had many today... but technically overall you could say I was fine.
Sigh, if only something could be done...

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